Secret

My Candle

I light a cigarette, I light a match, I light a candle…

I’m bathing in the soft light enveloped by darkness. The only sound I hear are my thoughts. The wind to the window. My thoughts.

I’ve contemplated this thoroughly. I’ve turned back. Foreboding. There are things to look forward to. Too many things behind.

You build a sculpture of Lego blocks. Colorful blocks. But here was left a hole. There the wrong color… Not much a sculpture anymore. A mess.

So the thought crosses my mind. What for? And the candle flickers…

A life built on fear. Pain. Not really sorrow. But anguish.

For once I know it’s not real. I still exist. My mind still tears.

My father, is my father… My grandmother, is my grandmother… My uncle, my uncle…. My Papa, my Papa…

My mother a flower blooming. Forever.

My younger brothers. Chance. My sisters. Ethereal.

I am ice. Melting in my own warmth. My clammy palms. Sweaty feet.

My nose no longer smells. My tongue no longer tastes. My heart no longer beats. Skips.

So the thought crosses my mind. What for? And the candle flickers…

The world holds no beauty to me. The grass is no longer green. The sky is not blue. The birds are not singing…

Numb. Numb. Numb.

I crack a joke. Not funny. I laugh and smile. Not funny. I go out to have fun. And I come home to nothing.

My tomorrow holds only tomorrow. The same as yesterday held the day before. All the same.

And I sleep now? But why? There is no difference. There will never be. A day to look forward to.

It is impossible for me to see. A dark overcast. A clear sky. A rainy day. Snow. In the end it is all the same. The day is a day.

A clock forever ticking. A bomb never igniting. A theoretical movement, in an all so present world.

Feed me light. For I am dark. Here in this darkness. With my candle…

Let me see more. Let me hear more. Let me taste… Let me feel…

Give it back to me… Give it all back…

Things did not have to be this way. They could have been different. Another place. Another time.

Give me that string. Walk me down that path. If I take this. By candle light. I can stop thinking.

The other me. That other side. Maybe it’s there.

So the thought crosses my mind. What for? And the candle flickers…

I reach into the abyss before me. Nothing.

So the thought crosses my mind. What for? And the candle flickers…

I cry out for help. I cry so fucking hard.

And the thought crosses my mind. What for? And the candle flickers…

My hand quivers… My voice trembles…

And the thought crosses my mind. What for? And my candle…....